Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Mama, 

Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope you know how much I still think about you, remember you and try to be like you.  As I have shared memories and stories about you this month, it has been so healing for my soul.  I have loved thinking back on my time with you...remembering all the good times and even the hard things.  Going through old pictures has been such a treat and has helped me think about so many wonderful moments.  It has been amazing to hear from your friends and family as they have read these memories...you truly influenced and blessed so many people in your time here on this earth.  And guess what?  The cool thing that I have been reminded about is that your influence continues!  In so many aspects of my life, I am doing the things that you taught me to do or the things that I watched you do.  You are alive in your children, in your children's children, in your extended family and in your friends!  

I love this picture of you looking at me in 1976

Your grand-daughter Jordan took this sweet picture of Luke and me the other day.  I love that you and I have very similar expressions on our faces!

Today has been a very happy Valentine's Day!  Each of your grandchildren posed for a quick picture before they left for school.  They all left at different times, so a group picture wasn't an option!

Here is Ashton off to 6th grade...she had orchestra before school and swimming after school, so her arms were full.  She loved the Swedish Fish valentine I left for her on the table this morning.

And Jordan headed off bright and early in the snow to catch a ride to origami club.  She doesn't really like giving out cheesy Valentine's but was happy with her ruler cards and teacher pencils we made out of rolos. 

Regan worked so hard on her butterfly cards.  She had a great time at her Girl Scouts yesterday and was so excited for school today.

Cole loved his tanker truck box we made together.  Seeing his excitement over it was contagious and fun.

And little Luke...his very first Valentine's Day...and we love him so much!

My sweet Valentine surprised me by taking the day off and arranging a babysitter.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  We had lunch together and went shopping.  I love this man so much.  Mama, you would love him too.  He would make you laugh, just as he makes me laugh everyday.

Of course, I thought about the rest of the family today too.  You would be so proud of all of them.  They are amazing in every way.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you have given me!  I cannot wait until we can once again be together.  Happy Birthday Valentine Angel!!!!

Love, Your Daughter Jamie

Memories for February: She Created a Home!

We are in full Valentine's Day preparation mode here...and yes, it is the night before!  Somehow, it kind of snuck up on us.  We had lofty plans for homemade things this year...last year it was all I could do to get my very pregnant self to survive the day.  So this year, we tried to make up for it...pictures to come tomorrow...not all went as planned but everyone has gone to bed relatively happy, so I count that as a success!

For today's memory, I wanted to share the memories I have of my mom "creating a home."  When I was in college, I had some wonderful friends who would come and stay at my house during breaks or long weekends.  I remember one close friend always telling me that she "loved the way my house felt."  I have thought often about her comment....because I too "loved the way my house felt".

I am sure there were many reasons for this feeling, but I am thinking specifically tonight of all that my mom did to cultivate a feeling of peace, happiness and joy in our home.  Some of the things that she did seemed so simple at the time and yet they really made an impact.

My mom often had beautiful music playing in the background...on Sundays it was always church music, on other days it was jazz or FM100...to this day when I hear some of those old classic songs (think Bee Gees and Chicago), I am just right back home again.

My mom cooked delicious simple meals...and we ALWAYS ate dinner together around the table.  If someone was at a practice or something, we went ahead without them and left their plate there until they came home and ate.  Some of my favorite dishes included her trademark spaghetti (which I still make today!), lasagna, and chicken noodle soup.  I loved coming home after a long day and smelling whatever it was that she had cooking.

(Katy eating Mom's famous spaghetti)

My mom was almost always home when we got home from school...and I loved that.  She usually had a snack for us, and it was such a good opportunity to just chat for a few minutes.

(The first day of school in 1982)

My mom would straighten up the house before my dad came home from work...that may sound a little strange to some...it certainly was not because he expected or demanded it....my mom just knew that it was more pleasant to come home when you didn't have to trip over things as you came in the door.

My mom kept our home neat and clean...it's funny because I can remember her saying that she didn't feel like she was very good at "keeping house"...and yet I don't ever remember the house being really messy...I'm sure it was at times but she seemed to have a really good system for keeping it all functioning...wish she could give me some pointers.

 (Above, my sister Melissa helps with vacuuming.  Below, Mel and me in the clothes hamper)

My mom was quick to forgive...she was not perfect and she was sometimes a bit of a "yeller" when it came to disciplining...she and I could especially lock horns over certain issues...but my mom was always quick to apologize and move on...she didn't pout or let things fester...we would have it out and then it would be over and she would smother me with hugs and kisses.

She certainly understood that it is the mother who sets the mood for the home...some days I wish that wasn't the case...some days I just want to be honory and short-tempered and snappy and lazy....but then I think of my mom and I think of our house...and I put myself ahead 20 years or so...and I can only hope that one of my children looking back might say, "I loved the way my house felt."

Memories for February: She Celebrated Others!

It has been such a hectic day...and I really need to go to bed...but a short memory for tonight.

My mom had the unique and rare gift of being able to celebrate others and their accomplishments.  She was genuinely happy for others when something good happened to them.  She was so excited to share in others successes, whether they were big or small...I can remember her expressing this on so many occasions.

As I got older, this became even more intriguing and impressive to me.  She was always asking her friends about their children's accomplishments...and she was thrilled when they won championship games or passed a test or got a new job. She sincerely wanted to hear about others achievements...and she genuinely listened.  It didn't matter what the achievement was...whether you got new carpet in your bedroom or added a new flower bed to your front yard...my mom would be excited and happy for you.  What a rare and beautiful talent she possessed.

I remember just a few months after my mom passed away, I was in my first year of teaching fourth grade.  I received a phone call in the middle of the day informing me that I had won a prestigious teaching award.  Of course, I was ecstatic and flattered...but I sat in the teacher's workroom and held the telephone receiver (before cell phones!) in my hands long after the caller had hung up...and the tears flowed down my face.  I couldn't imagine how I could even be happy for this accomplishment when my greatest cheerleader in the world wasn't around to acknowledge my success.  Of course, I was surrounded by such a great support system...but I missed that one person because I could just picture how her face and her eyes would light up, and she would be so so so happy for me.

It is a very difficult skill to cultivate...the ability to be completely happy for the good that happens to someone else, without a thought for desires for your own situation.  It is something I am constantly working on...and something I am trying to teach my children.  I am so glad I got to experience first hand what it is to have someone truly celebrate others.

(My brother and I with Mom on her Valentine's birthday in 1982)

Memories for February: She Endured!

My mom struggled with health challenges her whole life.  For many, many years, doctors struggled to really know how to treat her condition.  Eventually, she was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, an inflammatory disease of the intestines.

When I was young, I can remember waking up in the morning many times and finding my dad sitting alone on the couch.  Then he would tell us that he had to take Mom to the hospital, and she was going to be there for a while...and then he would manage to continue to run the household in a way that is just remarkable to me.

I  remember being really scared when Mom would be in the hospital, but she always got better and came home, and in my innocent mind, it was just the way things were...but now I am older and have a family of my own.  I have 5 children counting on me every day.  I can't even imagine what my parents must have gone through every single time my mom got sick.  I have since learned that my mom "knocked on death's door" many times...and there were several times when doctors didn't know if she would live.   Our family counts it as one of our greatest blessings that my mom was able to live to raise her children...she passed away just weeks after my youngest sister's high school graduation.  Of course, we wanted her for much, much longer...but we are so grateful for the time we had.

The thing that I want to remember is that my mom endured her situation with such grace and with such a positive outlook.  I never remember her really complaining about not feeling well...but I know a lot of the time, she probably didn't.  If she did mention her health, she quickly moved off of the subject and didn't dwell on it.  She was not a complainer.  She never talked about it not being fair.  And she always just seemed so happy to be alive and to be able to experience life.  Maybe it was because she had had so many close brushes, but she just had such a unique ability to be able to focus on what was truly important to her...the Gospel of Jesus Christ, her family, her friends.

When my youngest sister, Katy, was almost 4 months old, my mom got very sick and was in the hospital.  I was only 5, but I can vividly remember my Grandma Betty and Grandma Thelma rushing up from Helper to take care of us 4 little ones.  My mom had always breast feed and baby Kate was not going to have it any other way...no matter the challenges.  It was the middle of winter, but at feeding time, my Grandmas would wrap Katy in her red "Sue Beck blanket" (Sue was a dear friend who gave her the blanket) and take the baby over to the hospital so my mom could feed her.  Now that takes some commitment and endurance.  In my mom's journals, she talks about how overwhelmingly grateful she was to still be able to feed her baby.  That kind of example of sacrifice just blows me away.

 Great Grandma Thelma stayed on after Mom came home to help out with everything.  She ran a tight ship and everything ran rather efficiently!

 I wish I would have been more understanding towards my mom when she wasn't feeling well.  I like to think that she has forgiven me for my lack of compassion that I sometimes showed towards her, especially as a teenager!

At one point today, one of my children was crying because she couldn't find her gymnastics bag, another needed to be taken to softball practice, another picked up from swimming....yet another child was throwing a fit on the floor because he couldn't have a piece of candy...and I was precariously balancing the fussy, teething baby on the counter while I tried to make dinner.  I could feel my frustration level rising...but then I thought about my mom.  Most of the time I feel pretty great physically...and I still struggle to get through the day...a lot of the time, my mom didn't feel well at all and yet she endured.  I took a deep breath, finished making the dinner, assured one child we would find the bag, rescued fit throwing child from the floor with promises of candy after dinner, saw hubby and child off to softball and loaded everyone in the car to pick up child from swimming.  And I felt so thankful for my health, my strength and for the example I never forget of someone who truly endured.

Memories for February: She never forgot where she came from...

My mom grew up in the small town of Helper, Utah....and boy, did she love that little place.  It had such a special spot in her heart...and as a result, I love it too.

My mom's dad (Nick) died when she was only 2 years old in a mining accident...so she was raised by her mom, Betty....and also lots of grandparents.  Betty's parents  (Grandma Thelma and Grandpa Gean) lived just up the road, along with her great-grandpa whom she called Grandpa Pa.   Her dad's mother and sister lived right next door (Grandma Frances and Aunt Mary).   My mom loved these people so much.  She had so much respect for them...and even when she grew up and took her own path, she always stay connected to her roots.

(Grandma Betty holding me and Chris, Grandma Frances in the back)

(Grandma Thelma's house...it was such a fun place to explore)

My mom had an older sister, Mickey Ann who she never knew but always remembered.  She died when she was just an infant.  I'm sure it was a grand reunion when those two sisters got to finally meet.  My mom absolutely adored her two brothers, Michael and Kirk.  Michael died in a car accident when I was only a few days old...and it was one of the greatest heartaches of my mom's life.  Sometimes, I would see her crying and when I asked her about it, she would tell me how much she missed Uncle Mike.  I can't wait to meet him.

Of course, her baby brother Kirk and his family (Jodi, Dooder and Heele) brought my mom so much happiness and laughter.  We have so much special memories of this Mascaro clan.  And I absolutely love to visit them in Helper when we make our treks to Utah.  My mom also had many other wonderful aunts and uncles whom she loved to spend time with.

(Mom with Kirk at his wedding in 1977)

Helper holds so many memories for me....when we were young, my mom would take us there a lot...as we got older and busier, it got harder to find the time, but she made it a point to find opportunities to visit even if only for a few days.  It was about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Bountiful, and we would always be so excited. As we would travel down the canyon on the last stretch of the drive, we would see the power plant off to the left and the waterfall off to the right (really just a trickle of water coming down the mountain!), and we would be bouncing in our seats with anticipation.  At Grandma Betty's, there were very few rules...we got to watch as much TV as we wanted, eat loads of candy, chew unlimited gum, play with cool old toys, stay up late and just enjoy life.  My mom always seemed so glad to be "home".  We loved to go bowling with our cousins and swimming at the wave pool in Price.  We would go on picnics in the desert and play outside all day long.  Most all meals were eaten together....always a big dinner and usually a big breakfast.  And we would sit around and talk and talk and talk and laugh and laugh and laugh.

 (Me, Cousin Dooder, Melissa, and Chris 1980)

(Getting ready to go on our annual Easter Egg hunt)

 (Dying Easter eggs 1982)

Last summer, when we visited Utah, we sat in that very house of Grandma Betty's and did the same things...we went swimming, we played, we took pictures on the big couch, we ate all together....and we talked and laughed.  We missed the family members who were no longer there...but it was so wonderful to spend time in my mom's little home town of Helper.  I can't wait to go back.

Memories for February: She Enjoyed!

One thing I have said before is that I had no doubt how much my mom enjoyed motherhood.  I am sure she had her ups and downs, but she had a special knack for really savoring the individual moments.  I think maybe it had to do with the fact that her health was always up and down...so she didn't take her time with us for granted.  I am sure that she often felt hectic and hurried...but I don't remember that about her...instead I remember her sitting and reading us stories (chapter books when we were older), lingering around the table to talk for a little bit longer, or taking time to stop and notice nature and beauty.

She loved our beautiful yard in Bountiful and was always mentioning what flowers were blooming or what tree was especially breathtaking.  Each year, she marked time with certain events...the blooming of the lilac bush, the peonies, the forsythia bush...she noticed it all.
I feel like I can almost remember this exact moment when we all laid out on the back grass in our pajamas on a summer morning.

Here we are working in the garden together.

My mom absolutely loved autumn time and found such joy in beautiful fall leaves.  She loved to crunch in the leaves while she walked. This picture was taken of Mueller Park Canyon where our family loved to picnic and hike.

 And our tree in front of our house.  I can still smell those fall leaves.  When I was serving my mission in Virginia, a package arrived for me one day...it was an envelope full of fall leaves from that very tree...my mom had sent me a piece of home.

 Most days, my mom was waiting for us when we came home from school.  If the weather was nice, she would be out on the front porch, watching us come down the hill...then there was a snack and time to look at school papers together.

I am sure times have changed a bit, but my life often feels hurried and a bit frantic.  When I think of my mom, I am reminded to slow down and enjoy things.

Today in honor of her, I tried to do that in the best way I could...when I took the boys grocery shopping, Cole and I took extra time to comb through the piles of hot wheels cars until we found just the perfect one...and his total excitement reminded me that so often, it is the little things that change the course of the day.  I pulled my pre-teen close to me on the couch and listened to the tales of middle school when I felt I should have been straightening up the house instead.  I held my clingy baby for a little bit longer and focused on him instead of trying to constantly multi-task.  My situation is different than my mom's, and my life will not be identical to hers...but I felt peace hoping that my kids will take from me one thousandth of the love and enjoyment that my mom gave to me.  She truly taught me that no matter the circumstances, life should be enjoyed and treasured.

Memories for February: She sang!

A few weeks ago we were sitting in church singing the opening hymn.  Caught up in the joy of the music, I was singing my heart out until one of my children gave me a sharp nudge in the side.  "Mom, " she said, "shhhhhhhh!  You are singing way too loud."  And all of a sudden I was transported back 25 years or so to a time when I said the exact same thing to my mom as we sat together in church.

My mom loved to sing.  And she would put her whole heart and soul into singing the hynms at church.  To this day, I cannot hear the hymn "Let Us All Press On" without thinking of her...and on the part where the sopranos come in with "Courage, for the Lord is on our side,"  it is almost like she is right there, singing along with me.

My mom always sang in the ward choir.  She absolutely loved it and rarely missed a performance or practice.  She hadn't had a lot of formal musical training, but she made up for it with enthusiasm and gusto.  If she was leading the music, watch out...because if you weren't singing, she wasn't above stopping and starting over so that you could join in.  Her very favorite calling (assignment) in the Church was Primay Music Leader, and it is the calling that she was serving in when she passed away.  She loved to teach children to sing.  Incidentally, that is the calling that I have right now...and I have absolutely loved being able to follow in her footsteps in that way.

My mom loved all kinds of music.  She supported all four of her children through many years of piano lessons.  She loved seeing us in the high school choirs and found so much joy in our experiences there.  She often said that if you wanted to be fulfilled, you should sing in a choir.  My mom loved jazz music (The Breeze 97.9 which I am told no longer exists?).  I can still see her cruising around town in our tan explorer with her jazz music on...and she was dancing...and we were rolling our eyes at our mom trying to be cool.  And now I do the same thing with my kids.  Love the memories.

(The caption on this picture from 1980 said, "Bringing the piano home"...I'm not sure where we got it from?  I'll have to find out more details)

One day, my mom and I are going to sing together again...and my kids better be ready because I won't be holding back, and we will belt out our hymns together in our loud, slightly untrained soprano voices...and it will be oh so beautiful!

(One more picture because it is so cute from 1982- Chris holding Katy, Melissa on the left in overalls and me on the right wearing an ET shirt)

Memories for February: She Remembered!

A short memory for tonight...but chances are, if you are reading this blog and you actually knew my mom, then she knew your birthday!  My mom had this uncanny ability to remember everyone's birthday.  It was really something...it seemed like most days, she would mention at least one person who had that birthday.  I don't know how she did it, but she knew everyone's birthday in the Bountiful 14th Ward (our church congregation).  She also knew all the cousins, aunts and uncles birthdays, too...and she would often mention birthdays of her family members who had already passed away.  Often times in the mornings when I would wake up, I would hear her on the phone wishing someone a happy birthday.  I know that she just felt that each person deserved to have their special day acknowledged and celebrated.
(My brother Chris's birthday party in 1976)

Of course, Mom always made our birthdays very special...her plans were not usually elaborate, but just simple and heartfelt and very much about the individual person.  I have sweet memories of the things she did to make our day unique...birthday dinners, customized cakes with funny messages (Baskins Robbins for me!), carefully chosen gifts...I have tried to share some of these same traditions with my kids....and when I remember to thoughtfully wish someone a happy birthday, I think about her.

(My mom's birthday in 1977...check out the tiny pink cake!)

(My dad's birthday in 1982...I know he was actually very happy about this birthday, but forgot to smile, right?)

 (Grandma Betty's birthday in 1982...cousin Heele wasn't born yet)